Boxing Lydia

Ello all, Aunty Lyd’s here for my last message of the year. No need to cry though. I’ll be back next year to impart to you my wisdom and life experience.

This week I was trying to think of things that Americans don’t have that I grew up with at home. Three things came to mind: Giant Cadbury’s Christmas chocolate bars that line the shelves of all British supermarkets; crackers with hats, jokes, toys and a snap inside waiting for families to pull at the Christmas day dinner tables; and Boxing day.

Growing up, Boxing Day was synonymous with reunions with family you hadn’t seen since last Boxing Day, Christmas leftovers and fist fights in the back garden. My cousins Thana and Hy-hy always singled me out and when everyone’s attention was directed elsewhere, they would tag-team me, leaving me with a black eye that became known as Lydia’s mysterious yearly accident.

Anyway, this year I’m going old-school on Boxing Day. My dad once told me that Boxing Day started when all the lords and ladies got together the day after Christmas day and gathered gifts in boxes to take to their servants, the paupers and plebs in the community. So here’s my gift list for Boxing Day 2009 and the people I will bestow my presence on. Watch out all.

First there’s Matina. Despite being arch rivals, we always exchange gifts. This year I recorded my own version of the song, “When did I become such a bitch” with a foreword saying I had Matina specifically in mind.

My good — if not a bit fat — friend La Lemmah, expects nothing less than chocolate so I’m wrapping up seven of those giant chocolate bars I mentioned earlier. Should keep her busy for a couple of Christmas evening hours.

My slightly nutty friend Marcella Adroit will receive a coupon for free pet-sitting in case the Rapture comes and doesn’t recognize her 10 cats as righteous enough.

Knobby will receive the best of X-Factor finalists as I refuse to perpetuate anyone’s addiction despite his telling me he wants the boxed set of “Debbie Does… (add yer own location).”

My dear Daddy loves Freddy Krueger and I managed to get him a signed print of Robert Englund and Patricia Arquette from NIGHTMARE 3. It’ll look lovely framed and hanging over the fireplace. Bless.

Well, have you met Mr. Jones? I have, and for making me look glorious the last couple of months, he’ll get an authentic Sasuke outfit for all those gaming evenings he wants to stand out.

My favorite copy editor will receive a button that says, “I have too many guilty pleasures.”

My Editor will get a T-shirt that says “The V is for Vegan,” and my lovely little Editor-in-Chief will get a T-shirt that says “I Heart Ginge.”

Well dears, it’s been, as you yanks say, real. Have a merry chrissy, a happy new year and this Boxing Day, try taking a leaf out of my book and go visit and take gifts to those servants, paupers and plebs of your own.

Laters all and luv ya mistletoe-decked bums.